Hi everyone! Welcome to Episode 15 of the Negotiate X in Rewind series, where we revisit standout conversations from the Negotiate X Podcast. In this episode, Rules for Effective Negotiation, hosts Nolan Martin and Aram Donigian sit down with Mala Subramaniam, executive coach and author. Mala blends Eastern philosophy with practical business wisdom to show how clarity, empathy, and balance can transform negotiation from conflict to collaboration.
So, without further ado, let’s jump right in.
Mala begins by explaining that most negotiations fail because both sides define the problem differently. True negotiation begins only when both parties share a common understanding of the issue.
Using examples from client-vendor disputes and parent-teen conversations, she shows how shifting from “you versus me” to “what’s the real problem we’re solving together” leads to more sustainable outcomes.
According to Mala, effective communication isn’t about talking to others but with them. Once both sides align on the problem, they can set shared goals that support mutual success. Drawing inspiration from yoga, she highlights how focus creates balance, just as maintaining your gaze helps you stand steady, keeping your eye on the goal helps you stay calm under pressure.
Instead of asking “who’s at fault,” Mala advises focusing on “what needs to change.” This shift turns defensive discussions into collaborative problem-solving. When negotiators focus on needs instead of blame, they invite cooperation and creativity.
Mala urges negotiators to visualize a positive outcome before stepping into the room. She shares a personal story about changing an airline booking experience simply by shifting her tone and expectation—proof that mindset and energy often determine the results you get.
The episode closes with a reminder that credibility is the foundation of influence. Mala encourages negotiators to only propose options they truly believe in, respond thoughtfully instead of reacting emotionally, and always act with integrity. These, she says, are the habits that separate good negotiators from great ones.
We’d love to hear your thoughts on this episode. Write to us at team@negotiatex.com. If you enjoyed the show, please rate us on Apple Podcasts to help others find Negotiate X and support our growth.
Thank you for your time!
What are the rules to an effective negotiation that you talk about?
Yeah. The first one is the communication signal. And this is very critical because most, if you look at it, most negotiations or so-called negotiations is about you and we, and it’s people sitting at opposite ends of the table.
One person has one understanding of the problem, and the other person has a totally different understanding of the problem. For instance, the client will say, you know, all the data that you gave was incorrect. The reports are all incorrect, and then the vendor is saying that’s because people in your department gave incorrect data.
So it’s okay, then what is it that caused them to give the incorrect data and these people to take the incorrect data and produce the reports? That means nobody sat down to see the corrections that were needed to fix the data before you created the report. So there’s no common understanding. So with that, they come to the table and this person is saying, oh, we want the reports on that time.
We want you to redo the reports. And these people are saying, no, we can’t afford to redo the reports. That means you have to pay for those resources. So there is then a tug of war. Then one walks away the winner. Usually it’s the client and they feel good about it, and this consistently happens to the point where then the vendor feels like I’ve exhausted all resources.
I cannot comply with the client. Now I have to fight or I have to drop this client. That is the main thing. Getting to a common understanding of the problem. I think in the book, I’ve given the suggestion of a conversation between a parent and a teenager. The parent, if you don’t mind my giving that, the parent says, you have to come by 9:00 PM and the kid says, are you kidding me?
Everybody will laugh at me. So they’re both taking a stand. But then when the parents said, I’m concerned about your security, your safety, because there’s a lot of accidents and a lot of shootings and things like that, I’m afraid. And then the kid says, people will laugh at me if I come in at 9:00 PM I might as well not go to the party.
Or he might say, okay, let me just skip out when dad is sleeping. So instead of that, they come to an understanding. Once they come to an understanding, then they can, then the negotiation starts. So that’s the most important, the communication signal. A lot of times I hear people say, I communicated too, and I always say, there is no two with a communicate.
It has to be with. So it’s a two-way street. So that’s the main, that’s one of the first things that I say. Once you’ve got the problem. A common understanding of the problem, then the goal is easier to set. Instead of saying the, instead of the vendor, the client saying, my goal is to make these people do the reports, and the other person saying, no, I have to see how I can decline doing that.
Instead, then they come to a common understanding and see a goal that is mutually beneficial to both. For instance, like I said, the goal is not losing weight. The goal is, being able to travel, being healthy. So when the goal is broader and more strategic in thinking, then the solution is new, not too far.
I went through a class where they were talking about how to come up with options and things like that. And I was thinking you have not even zeroed in on the problem. Where can you come up with the options?
I think that’s really insightful because we talk so much right in our line of work about getting creative. We want people to get creative. We want ’em to come with options. But if they haven’t gotten to the root of the problem, you’re just making stuff up, right?
Yeah, exactly because that’s when you are thinking about what is that person’s interest and what’s my interest, and how can we come to a common understanding?
No, it’s like first figure out what the problem is. See the interest is all about who, the problem is, all about what? So figure out what is the problem and also what is the need. Instead of thinking what does Aram want and what does Mala want, it’s what is the need that will satisfy both ends.
What is the need and what is the solution? It’s about not you and I, it’s about we. So it has to be very solution driven. So that’s the most important, the goal, and then the next one, all this. Then once you have the goal, that kind of gives you the balance. Because it’s so funny, I’m going back to yoga.
When in yoga they’ll ask you to stand on one foot. So if I ask you to stand up and stand on one foot, if I say look at a picture or look at something on the wall. Focus on the wall. And then when you are focusing on the wall, then I say, okay, now raise one foot. It’s going to be totally different.
You’re gonna be able to do it. It’s amazing. Try it, not today, but, try it. Because I’ve done that, like I can stand on my feet. As long as I’m focusing on that object, the moment I take my eye off the object I fall. So that’s what goal is. Throughout the negotiation, you have to focus on the goal.
Then you’ll be balanced. Then it’s an internally focused thing. And then the next one is ask what not who basically, when the problem happens. Our natural tendency is to say, hey, who’s at fault? Once you start blaming either yourself or somebody else, then you cannot solve the problem because the focus is on how do I get out of this situation, rather than what needs to be done to get out of the situation and the, and the other.
The next one is, dare to dream. Most of the times I’ve, when I mentor people, oh, I’m going to ask for promotion, or I’m gonna ask for a salary increase. And I know my boss is going to say no, and I’m not gonna get it, or I’m not gonna get this job, or I’m not gonna get this project done.
So when you go with that, how are you going to get it done? Then how are you going to get the job? Or, so to me it is better to dream big and have that strong intention that have a visualization of you and the other person shaking hands and being happy about the whole thing, or you buying something with the new salary increase that you got.
So when you start dreaming, like for instance, I’m afraid of sitting in the middle in flights. And….
Me too.
Yeah. Really, I guess a lot of people, so when I called, you know, I had booked a flight in British Airways and I called them and I was like mad. I said, I paid for a business class. You are not giving me a seat.
And they said, ma’am, it doesn’t matter who you are, we don’t assign seats till 24 hours before. And I said, then I have to cancel the flight because I can’t even imagine sitting from here to India, sitting in the middle row. So leave alone, going to Houston or something.
So I fought and the person said, heck with it. And didn’t do anything. But then when I thought about it and I called again with a totally different approach, I saw myself sitting in the end seat and having a drink in my hand and enjoying, like a dream and intention. So my whole approach was different.
I was more friendly and I said, oh, I know you can do it. And then they said, oh, don’t worry about it. We’ve had a thing and we can do it. And they were able to do it for me. They were able to give me a better seat in the business class and I was assigned all the way.
So I think that’s what is the dare to dream, the intention, the hopes, all have to be there. You cannot go with any doom, this person is nasty going to thing and then. Say it only when you believe it. That is the third rule that I have, the fourth rule, that you have to, go, don’t go there and give options if you are not going to accept it for yourself.
Like the first rule is this I option something I would accept? And if I’m not going to accept it, I’m not gonna present it to somebody else. I’ve had people come to this negotiation and give options. And when I ask questions. My background is in market research, so I know how to ask questions so that the other person will spill their guts, but I’m just kidding.
But anyway, I ask, they would tell me. So if they’re not gonna accept it, then how would they expect? So the credibility is very important. And also people get very I used to give market research presentations. The current really was very important. Because my background, statistics, all that is important.
So when I go in there and present, I’m not gonna present data, but I’m going to present insights. But I would have the backup. So if somebody asks me, I would be able to tell them why I am saying that they need to do this. Why I think that this market is not a good market not to go into it. So the credibility is very important and I think one of the things you were saying, respond versus react.
That is very, it’s very eastern thought process. See, reaction is very emotional. It’s on the surface, and reaction happens when you are angry. When you are not thinking clearly, if respond means addressing the question or the problem. Extremely responsible way. That’s why it’s called respond, it’s a responsible way of addressing.
So for instance, I was doing a role play in a class and one person said the client was roleplaying said, well, your competition is offering us a better deal. It’s competition A, B, and C is offering this deal and they can do the reports on time and they’re not even costing that much.
Immediately the reaction from the vendor group was, oh, we know that competition. They are, did you see the newspaper? They’re gonna be out of existence. What are you going to do then? And I said, no. That is the reaction. The goal is not to prove that the other person is wrong, or that the competition is the goal is to have the other person rely on your credibility and accept you.
So there is a better way of addressing it. Saying, okay, I understand that you have contacted the competition and we’re, we’re fine if you wanna go with it. We have been with you for 10 years and we’re very appreciative. And once you sign on with the client, and if you need help, don’t hesitate to call.
We’ll come in and help you. Something like that are more responsible that you care about the client. You don’t want the client to go with a competitor instead of saying it, say it indirectly.
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